Sex Ed

Starring Haley Joel Osmont. A teacher discovers that his school doesn't teach sex ed and takes it upon himself to educate his students. He hopes his virginity won't compacted things.

Aaand retro opening.
Oh, fat Haley Joel.
It's the dude from Suburgatory!
Cock bagel! Actually, it's a good idea. If you can fit your dick through the middle.
Why the fuck is there a rocket on that envelope?
Dude, this guy is a super pedo.
Elephant wang cover, fireman pants, and a...turkey baster?
She said "insert". And she's about to have sex. Hah!
How do you want that whiskey? Straight up? On the rocks? Sour?
Good lord HJO is short.
Dude, there's a diagram in the damn box!
It's been a day, and he knows their names? Really? Overachiever.
No way this bar is below his apartment.
This girl is like the poor man's Anna Faris.
Yeah, that's me.
Nope, Nevermind. Not like me.
Ok, maybe a little.
Oh god, those slides. My childhood just punched me.
Oh, momma sooooo wants to fuck him.
4 shots and you're in trouble? Wimp.
Oh god, why with the fish head and eyes and EW.
And vomit.
Why is bartender landlord so smart.
"Cool it, you little shit!"
That's good advice, actually. All of this is good advice. I wish I had this advice growing up.
Y'know, I used to know a kid named Tito. He was a shit.
Wait, gay pedo? One or the other? Both? I'm lost.
No, don't discuss the sister. Don't do it. Omfg stop. No, no, OMG stop with the boners and sweatpants.
I've never been fingered in a movie theatre. I feel gypped.
Hahaha dime store hooker!
I'm waiting to find out this girl is underage
Alcohol abuse!
He's just trying to do the right thing, guys. What the fuck? You're all stupid.
If he gets up that easily, it wasn't really an ass kicking.
That sucks for him. But I'm having a discussion with a friend about the requirements of "she-male" prostitutes to disclose their genital status for their unsuspecting clients.
No, child. Put the oboe down. The fux is you trying to play, anyway?
Not where I expected they'd go.
I was a nerd, bitch. You gonna do something about it?
It's Winston from New Girl!
Oooh! He hit a bitch!
HJO does NOT look any older than his students.
This makes me think of Something Positive: "I want to get off, not shift the tectonic plates."
Oh, you should not have said that.
And the child saw the tatas.
Dude, nobody wants to be a guy's first.
And she walks away without a shirt. Or her skirt zipped. Grody.
And racial slurs. But it's ok, because they're about the white guy.
Those pants do not fit him well at all. They're all bunchy.
And another Latina girl.
oh wait, that's the end? Did he fuck anyone? Like at all?

Pocahontas II

Next up on the movies to be opinionated about is Pocahontas II. Why? Because it was actually on a list of "Best Disney Sequels". Granted, it was #15 of 15, but it was still on the list. Then I noticed that Little Mermaid II & III were both on the list...as was Cinderella 3...but not 2...
Long story short, I decided that I HAD to see this movie. Because if Cinderella 3 can beat it, it's got to be some kind of wretched. So here goes nothing.

0:00:56 - Wait, is this a movie, or one of Disney's terrible 1990s TV shows? And did they get Mel Gibson back, or is that someone else?

0:01:41 - No shit, Sherlock!

0:13:37 - Boop!

0:16:45 - Shunned by a tree. Harsh.

0:18:33 - Because she needed the translation of her own sign language? And spoken haltingly? Oi.

0:23:53 - How is her hair blowing backwards if the ship's sails are being blown forwards?

0:26:43 - What is this, Assassin's Creed V: Pocahontas Needs to Wear Pants?

0:31:49 - So...are those paintings like the illustrations of this world? Because they're hyper-realistic in comparison to the actual people.

0:38:02 - Jafar?

0:38:57 - She looks like a powdered donut.

0:48:18 - He's John Smith, you twit. Like that isn't painfully obvious.

0:52:12 - Dafuq?!

0:54:49 - If only taking down an elaborate hairstyle was that easy.

0:59:34 - In the first movie, he could scarcely move in that armor. Now you expect me to believe that he can heft his bulk around like a young, well-trained, in-shape soldier?

1:00:56 - Gridlock, much?

1:02:55 - Most awkward hand animation ever.

1:04:51 - Like a sheep on its hind legs.


Overall: Not as horrific as I had expected, but there's no way that this should be considered best anything.

Pitch Perfect

Next up for review is Pitch Perfect, a 2012 movie starring Elizabeth Banks, John Michael Higgins, Anna Kendrick, and Brittany Snow. At first glance, it looks like it's going to be a feature-length episode of Glee. Having seen some trailers involving the character "Fat Amy", I'm already dreading this one. Kyle, if I hate this, I'm blaming you for the 2 hours of my life I'll never get back.

2:22 - Don't *drop* the mic, you twat!

5:42 - Who takes a cab to move-in?

11:49 - And I already want to stab Fat Amy in the face.

21:00 - I'da punched a bitch. That shit would never fly in the real world. Also, none of the showers in college are that big.

28:11 - It's what?

47:49 - Seriously guys, it's No Diggity. Get on that shit.

51:56 - Did they somehow miraculously watch the entire movie, or did that dope just skip to the end?

58:636 - Fat Amy just looked like the guy who plays The Only Gay in the Village from Little Britain.

1:01:35 - Because we couldn't see that lineup coming a mile away.

1:02:02 - Donald Faison! (Where's JD? He can kinda sing...)

1:10:52 - Say Aca again, you stupid bitch.

1:11:55 - That is one warped, twisted individual. I hate her less, now.

1:18:30 - Seriously, who cries at the end of Breakfast Club?

1:24:36 - "Got it." BAHAHAHAHA!

1:26:26 - Ah god, vom angels.

1:29:39 - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHA!

1:40:16 - Predictable. But a great transition.

1:42: 45 - Bad Effie!

1:44:50 - Wait, I wanted to know what song they chose!



Ok, so this was less horrific than I expected. The plot was predictable, save the on-cue vomiting, and I found the main cast thoroughly unlikable, but the overall outcome was satisfactory. The music was great, which was kind of the only reason I'm going with 3/5 on this one.

Clue

For my first running commentary: Clue
Released in 1985 and starring Tim Curry, Eileen Brennan, Madeline Kahn, Christopher Lloyd, and a variety of others, this is a zany movie based on a board game. Yes, *the* board game. It is one that I've seen several times, so this probably isn't the best to start with, but fuck it. I like the movie, and if you don't like it, tough titties. And be prepared for a bevy of Rocky Horror references.


3:36 - Was "Shake, Rattle, and Roll" around in 1954?

7:24 - Boobs. Even fancy old ladies like 'em.

37:24 - There's a candlestick there.
37:21 - THUNK! Plop!

39:29 - Castles don't have phones, Asshole. Also, I thought the front door was locked...

48:45 - You're not supposed to split up, moron.

1:03:01 - Was the da-da-da-da-da really necessary?

1:05:58 - And they've stopped following the butler. I mean, none of them are wearing running shoes.

1:15:30 - HAH! Calling a Jesus freak a beatnick is weird.

1:23:00 - And they harmonized. I'll admit that I knew Curry and Kahn could sing, but Lloyd?

1:26:19 - Lili von Shtupping him?

Something I never realized: the three-part ending was effectively people casting their guesses at the end of the game.

How This Works

Here at Opinionated Little Fuck, I'm going to watch movies, either recommended or those I simply want to watch, and type out a commentary. In most commentaries, time stamps will be offered. The exceptions will be for any movies I see in theatres.

Whenever possible, I will take suggestions for movies to review. I will enable comments, but I will delete any that are bashing, use slurs, or are attacking any person for any reason other than bad acting, directing, lighting, etc.

And as if you couldn't guess by the blog's title, there will be obscenities. A plethora of them. If you're offended by such things, stop reading. Really. Right now. It's only going to get worse.

So start suggesting movies!


EDIT: I've decided to add the commentary I had for Les Miserables to this post. It will be copy/pasted from Facebook, and without time stamps. Deal with it.

Things I didn't know about Les Mis, as I didn't get to see it in the movie theatres: The Bishop? Colm Wilkinson. For those of you that don't know, he was quite possibly the best Valjean EVER. I'd love the chance to ask him how he felt in the role, and how he thought Jackman did. (And Crowe. Thus far, I'm woefully unimpressed. Beyond underwhelmed.)

I'll admit that Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter both did an excellent job as the Thenardiers. I still hate them.

AUGH! Marius does the chin wobble thing for vibrato! So. Cheap. Total cop-out. Infuriating! A:IfhugaPIURhgbvpnaouiwsenhvpIUAWRGAKJFD

So this one time, I saw Les Mis on Broadway. In that show, the guy who waved the big ol' red flag knew what he was doing with it. May have been in a colorguard at some point. The guys in the movie? Not so much.

I don't know why it was so funny, but the chairs flying out the windows made me laugh like a madwoman.

You ratfuck sons of bitches! You add some bullshit song for Valjean. Ok, fine. It's Hugh Jackman. I get that. But you DO NOT cut out HALF - the most impressive half - of one of the most gut-wrenching songs in the entire fucking play! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!?! Because Eponine didn't get enough of the shaft with that chin-wobbling, oblivious, shit-for-brains revolutionary? You have to cut her death song, too? I fucking hate you all.

I felt worse for Courfeyrac than I did for Gavroche. The little one had 0 charm, which is a great pity. Especially because of the touching moment between his corpse and Javert.

Aww, and they cut Dog Eats Dog. Poo. Literally.

"...oooooooooooooooon!" [pause] [THWACK] BAHAHAHA!
Nothing like sound effects to kill what should have been an intense moment.

"Empty Chairs" would have been PERFECT if he didn't chin wobble. Truly.

I was afraid Amanda Seyfried would be too...*blonde*...for Cosette. But she opens her mouth, and beauty comes out. Reservations removed.

And they replaced Eponine with the Bishop in the Finale. Fucking really? You people suck. The only reason I don't hate you is because it was Colm Wilkinson. But you're still bastards.